What Computer Geeks Are Really Saying

I don't know.

I really don't care. I really don't feel very inclined to figure out what is going wrong. If you ask me next year I might feel like doing it, but at this time I have better things to do.
"What the..."

I really don't know.

I could probably figure it out if I spent more time on it. But I don't feel like doing it because you are the person who probably screwed it up, in which case it's your own fault and you deserve to suffer.
"What the hell is going on?"

I just don't know.

You're an absolute idiot. You've managed to screw up your computer beyond the point of repair. You're the type of person that appears in techies' nightmares. You're the type that could probably manage to crash a microwave oven...
"F***!"

It must be...

I know exactly what the problem is. But something you did to me earlier today, or earlier in life, makes me resent you in some way and I really don't feel like solving the problem for you. Maybe if there is an incentive (monetary?) I might help you, otherwise figure out how to do it yourself and just leave me alone.
"Oh, I think I know" -- see the entry for this

Oh, I know.

You're lucky. I know and I'm willing to fix it for you.

Oh, I think I know

What I'm about to do is the best guess in the current situation.
"Oh, I know"

There seems to be something wrong with the display.

You are using a really stupid video mode, or I don't like the colors you have chosen. In any case before I proceed I'm going to change the display to my likings and tell you that I've fixed the display problem.
"Interesting, it looks like you need to buy a new video card/monitor"

The display is working fine.

I've finally tweaked the video mode and colors to my liking.
"", will never say it's working right, only speaks if something is wrong.

You don't have enough memory.

I couldn't find the problem, but since not enough memory is a very common problem I'm going to blame it on that. Since most users aren't really sure what the term memory refers to, this is a good thing to blame.

"You need more RAM."

There's a problem with your mouse.

You're threshhold and speed values, as well as the cursors you have selected do not meet my approval. Therefore I will change them before I will do anything more.
"What did you do to your mouse?"

The keyboard doesn't work.

How can you stand to type with such stupid repeat rates and delays. I'll have to go correct those for you.
"What did you spill on the keyboard?"

Do you have a soundcard?

I'm getting really tired of fixing your computer so I'm hoping you have a sound card so my attention can be diverted to playing with it for another half hour.

I'm not used to this interface.

The guy who designed the program was a total idiot and should be killed. There is absolutely no merit to this interface. Only a computer genius, like myself, could figure it out.
"This is really stupid."

I don't mind (insert program name).

I've used (program) before and was not impressed with it. It's really unfortunte that I have to fix it for you. Because all I'm going to do is point out problems with the program. By the time I've figured out the problem you'll be convinced to abandon this program for another one
"(program) is quite a nice program"

You have a virus.

Uh oh, I've managed to delete something, on your computer, that looked really important. I know saying I'm sorry won't really help. You can look for the backups, but they probably won't help becuase I've also managed to screw up something else that can't be fixed without reinstalling the operating system.
"What pirate BBS do you frequent?"

Do you make regular backups.

Oh shit, I've deleted a lot of files earlier and now realize they weren't as unimportant as I thought. I'm going to need those files. I think they might have been your financial records or something like that.
"", we really couldn't care any less about whether your data is safe.

This will take a while.

I need to buy a bunch of equipment this weekend, but unfortunately I don't have any money. Therefore I need to spend as many hours here as possible to get money.
"This may take a while."

Odd.

You've configured something improperly and it's having adverse effects on your computer. Instead of calling you an idiot, which you are, I'll just say "odd".

Strange.

You have corrupted software, or a buggy version of your software. This is causing abnormal things to occur. I'm not sure if I can fix it, but even if I could I'm not sure I'd want to because what it's doing is really quite interesting.

Oooh

You did something really stupid and it's going to be difficult, if not impossible to correct. You had better hope you made backup copies of your work.

Have you ever blown the dust out of your computer?

I'm at the point of giving up and have started grasping at straws to find the solution. If you do indeed blow out the dust regularily I'll say you must have caused damage to the equipment doing so.

Damn!

Something I tried didn't work, fortunately I still know of a few other things that I can try.

Shit!

Something I tried didn't work and I'm nearing the point to where I have very few ideas left on what to do.

Ahhh F***!

Something I tried didn't work, and I'm running out of ideas on how to fix the problem.

F***!

Short of telling you to buy a new computer there's nothing I can do.

No problem.

Provided you actually did what you told me this shouldn't be a problem to fix.

Really.

I thought only my screwed up machine did that. I can't help you but at least I feel better about my machine now.

Where'd you buy this at?

There is somethign physically wrong with the computers or disks and you're going to need to return it. I sound inquisitive only becuase it'll look like I know about the various stores in town and you may call me next time before you make a purchase. I'll decline any attempt to pay me for my efforts, now that you know me it doens't matter because you'll call me for all your computer problems.

I need the orignal disks.

I don't really need them, but what I'm about to do may take a while. During this time I probably can't explain what I am doing, so I'll have you go off and look for the originals so I don't have to explain what is going on.
"Umm, do you have the originals somewhere?"

Umm, do you have the originals somewhere.

I've managed to screw something up and I'm going to have to reinstall the software.

When did that start/stop happening. OR When did that appear/disappear?

Something I've done has caused an adverse and noticeable effect that I didn't think it would. Therefore instead of me taking the blame for it I'll try to pass the blame to someone or something else.

Did you try...

I'm just curious as to what stupid things you tried in order to solve the problem. I'll probably relate this information to my friends and have a good laugh about it.
"Try..."

What kind of system do you have? How much memory? How large is the hard disk?

I just want to ensure that I have a better system than yourself. This way I don't have to be jealous and can concentrate on fixing your system rather than playing around on it.

This is a nice system.

Your system is better than my own and I'm probably going to spend more time playing around than trying to fix your problem.

So, how's your day been?

I don't know how to tell you this, but there is something seriously wrong with your system... and you know the estimate I gave your over the phone, there is no way in hell I'm going to be able to meet it.

Do you play games on this machine?

I'm getting bored. If you say yes it probably means you have games installed somewhere that I can start playing. If you say no it's probably time I told you what the problem is and whether I can fix it or not.

What you do on your computer merits getting a nicer monitor and video card, you should really look into it.

You're an absolute fool. It's obvious you're going to create problems on your computer on a daily basis. Therefore I'm probably going to be fixing it a lot and I might as well have a nice display for that. OR I'm upgrading to an even nicer monitor/video card and need to sell my old own.

I'll have to look at this tomorrow.

You have no clue of what you've done to your system and you can't explain the problem very well. I want to leave because you're an idiot. I probably won't look at it tomorrow, I'll have somebody else look at it and try to understand what the problem is.